Play it while you read… you know you can’t resist

As a short person, alright a mutant ant, I see things from a different perspective. Stop snickering, I don’t just mean that because I’m millimeters from the ground but because I change my physical perspective all the time. Perception is something that my human is quite obsessed with (here’s an example) and perhaps that is because as a human she is limited in hers. After all most humans, I know there are a few daredevils and human fly’s out there, can’t crawl upside down on ceilings (Catherine Zeta-Jones) or randomly decide to scale a skyscraper (Spidey).

How does this relate to short people and big cars?

Well it has nothing to do with a Napoléon complex, which is a whole other issue. Short people need big cars to be able to see everything around them. I have no scientific proof but how about a case study?

My human is 59 inches tall and when she drives a small car, say a Sentra or Corolla she needs to sit on a pillow to see over the steering wheel. Let that image just sit for a minute… thank you, had to get some evil cackles out on that. Now if she was driving a small to mid-sized SUV or truck this would not be a problem.

“Eliza, can I interrupt?”

Well, you just did. Would you like to add something from the short perspective, human?

“Just because you’re short doesn’t mean you need a bigger car to see over the steering wheel. You need higher seats or one of those nifty seats that tips up and raises you higher.”

So you are admitting that you need a pillow to see over the steering wheel?

“Well…”

Another good reason for short people or at least my human to have a bigger car is ground clearance.

“Why? Wouldn’t it be harder to get my short legs in, pest?”

That too, but at least when you hit curbs you won’t rip out the underbody. Heehee!

“Eliza Leigh! You promised you wouldn’t tell!”

Are you short and ready to switch to a bigger car?

Here are a few I like for those vertically or driving challenged.

Toyota Venza by The Toad on Flickr

Volvo XC60 by Carcomparing.eu on Flickr

Jeep Wrangler Unlimited Sahara by jiazi on Flickr

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Pinocchio isn’t the only one with an enlarged nose.  I caught my human despondently examining her widening nostrils.  I found it quite amusing to watch her sigh “I’m getting old”.  I pointed out the circles under her eyes, the wrinkles on her face and-

“Enough, they get the point.  I’m old.”

Well, those were more noticeable.  When I told her I heard ears grew but doubted noses did she argued and repeated a story her grandmother told her. 

“You mean the German fairy tales?  The boy who wouldn’t stop sucking his thumb so his mum cut it off?”

EWW!

“Or the one where a boy wouldn’t eat his soup-“

 Enough,  Barbarian!  I mean the one where the lady who knew your grandmother when young saw her again years later and  said, “What happened to your nose?”

“Oh, that one, ha-ha.  Mine isn’t growing I think I just broke it.”

You have issues.

“Obsessing over noses is normal, at least compared to talking to mutant ants.”

True but it’s just more verification for your records.

“What records?”

Want to know what makes your nose grow?

They don’t!

Gravity wages an arduous battle on the human body and the nose rarely escapes unscathed.  Between faces sagging, noses drooping and wrinkles creating unique web-like designs, humans are natural morphers.

I still think exoskeleton is the way to go!

 

“If you’re still thinking about Little-Suck-a-Thumb’s fate here’s a link to Der Struwwelpeter the ten story collection by Heinrich Hoffmann to terrify teach children.  If you can get someone to read it to you in German it’s marvelous otherwise you can get it in English or read it online.”

Noses, human, we were talking about noses.  Focus…oy.

* Photo Credit: by La Tête Krançien on Flickr

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Bizarre Things Happen to Bizarre People

You may recall Bebe, the concert diva who we’ve mentioned here and on the hibernating eL music junkie blog.  Since she hasn’t been going to too many concerts (or she miraculously forgets to mention it until afterwards) she’s been busy elsewhere.  Last week she shared an interesting interaction at Stop & Shop with my humanoid who felt like I’d appreciate it.  Why?  I’m not sure but perhaps you will.  Either you’ll appreciate it or can tell me why she thought I would. 

“Eliza, you’re rambling.  How many times have I told you that coffee and mutants don’t mix?”

Bebe needed to run to the store for some feminine products.

“ELIZA LEIGH!!”

What?  She ran out of shampoo and lipstick, what a combination.  Fine I’ll list her whole recipe, I accidentally went into her purse that day.  Do you think she’s missing her MBTA pass yet, hehe.

While picking up her shampoo, lipstick, bananas, Tofutti Cuties (for her cutie- as if) and frozen vegetables (sliced zucchini to be exact) she met a wOman.

Okay here’s a question for you.  Name two movies that had variations of the saying below in it…

Let’s try this again and no more interruptions I mean it!

While picking up her shampoo, lipstick, bananas, Tofutti Cuties (for her cutie- as if) and frozen vegetables (sliced zucchini to be exact) she met a woman. While in the frozen food aisle a nicely dressed and sane looking forty-something lady abruptly approached Bebe. Bebe, absorbed in choosing between Purely Decadent fake ice cream or Tofutti Cutie fake ice cream sandwiches did not notice her until the dark-haired woman said, “Why do you girls dye your hair blonde?”

Bebe, the only other occupant of the aisle, who has brown hair with red and blonde highlights looked around confused, “Are you talking to me?” The woman then launched into a fascinating monologue on why men like women with their natural hair color. Some of her arguments included:

• That her boyfriend of 11 years younger loves her just the way she is.
• That girls need to be happy with themselves and not try to be something they aren’t.
• That it really annoys her when she sees this.  And more “I am woman hear me Roar”.

Bebe replied at first, “Does my hair look blonde?”  She was confused.  Perhaps she was still thinking about whether to get vanilla or chocolate flavored desert.  Either way, the woman ended her tirade against “young girls”  by bursting out in a full-bodied rendition of you guessed it Billy Joel’s Just the Way You Are.

The young girls classification should’ve made Bebe happy.

“May I interject?  Eliza, that’s not exactly how it happened.  I think you’re exaggerating.”

It may not be exactly how it happened but she did sing loudly in the middle of the grocery store.  Almost, like you dancing down the aisles.

“Who told you that?  Besides, I think she was trying to make a positive message.  That’s something you rarely do.”

True.  There’ll always be good-doers.  Now be a good human and pass me that controller.  Let’s see if Billy Joel’s on TV.

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Have you ever wondered where all the hours, minutes, seconds-

“Eliza, we understand the concept of time.  Mostly.  That time space continuum…”

Are you shocked when your day is done but your list is longer than ever?  My Humanoid’s interruption is a classic example of how someone’s busy life become busy.  Does HT (that’s Humanoid Translators nickname) really need to ponder the time space continuum theory?  Is that going to help her write her research essay on dementia?

No!  Instead of being a highly-organized, highly-motivated, highly-

“Are you gearing up for a short joke?  I can feel it and you my mutated friend can not talk.”

Well, all I was going to say is that you came up short…really.  By trying to do everything at once, having your hand in all the cookie jars-

“What kind of cookies?”

Does it matter?

”Yes, it’s very important for me to have details so I can visualize your genius.”

Fine, peanut butter.  Happy?  Now, no more interruptions.  Readers, again she demonstrates not being able to focus on the most important item on her to-do list but is now scrounging in the kitchen, possibly waking cranky humans in an attempt her peanut butter craving.

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Photo credit:  ChrisGoldNY on Flickr

My human went to see Ice Age 3 without me two weeks ago. 

“And it was lovely.”

I’m beginning to notice a trend…..sorry human, the butter isn’t melting, now get that angelic expression off your face. 

“My aren’t we cranky!”

You would to if it happened to you.  Human, must you sing that song or any when you hear a familiar phrase? 

“It’s a sickness.  Sort of like talking to an imaginary ornery ant.”

I’m not imaginary!  Ornery yes, but very real. 

“Calm down.  You’d think you’re the one who’s gone caffeine free.”

Please, you won’t last a day. 

“Going on day 15.  Eliza, what’s the point of this post again?  Because, Dr. Pepper has just pushed everything else out of my mind.”

Pet Peeves at the Movies:  
Some of Human’s are below in italics.  Plus, Eliza’s comments in bold.

“Babies that cry continuously & the parents who don’t take them out.”
Or smother.

”Smelly burps that float up or down & asphyxiate you!”
Gag.

”Loud Gum Smacking.”
In what context?

”Pretentious viewers- talking bad about movie in progress.”
Leave and get a refund people!

”People who continuously get up to bathroom.”
Depends!  Depend on it.

”Have stinky feet hung in your face.”
If you want to put your feet up in a crowded theater- sit in front of the bar.

”People who talk over the movie.”
Unless it’s you.

Do you have movie going story or pet peeve you’d like to share?  Leave a comment below or tweet us!Remember keep it clean.

Pet Peeves at the Movies: 
What’s yours? 

“That’s it?  You’re not going to tell them about the man?”

What man? 

“The one that sat behind me.  Complaining about people texting he pretentiously said, “When are they going to ban texting?”  Imagine an overeducated, middle-aged male with something lodged in his soft palate.”

You mean mucous? 
 
“Eww!  But maybe.  The fact that the screen was still black without even commercials, let alone previews, rolling made it funny.  After I finished tweeting his whininess I turned off my cell phone.  Now if only he could have turned off his kid, who kicked my chair.  Repeatedly.  Did it annoy me, someone who abstained from popcorn, caffeine and candy?  No.  I went to a kids movie, I expected and reveled in the rocking chair (which made me quite sleepy).  It wasn’t until the end of the movie that the man truly got under my skin.”

That’s it?!  Why did you stop?

“Hand cramp.  During the little bonus, right before the credits, he leaned over to another parent he was with and spewed venom on the movie!  Personally, I agreed with some of his thoughts but I had hard time listening to his stuffy speech while it was ending.  He complained about it’s excessive violence in one breath and then extolled it as a ‘technological masterpiece’ (huh, did we both see Ice Age 3?).  His point about the violence was laughable since this is Ice Age Three, if the first or second movie had a particular element wouldn’t it be a safe to say that the third movie would follow the same formula?  Hmm, if he was such a concerned and conscientious parent who objected to the movie he could’ve looked up the reviews and ratings before coming or waiting until the end of the movie.  So save your thirty second commentaries for before or after the movie!”

WOW!  Coming from the girl who talks throughout the whole movie.

“I sat with a space on either side, it’s safer that way.”

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For maximum immersion play this song while reading.

“Think of it as this posts theme song.”

So out of five types of seeds my human was told to replant, she did three.
“Two out of three ain’t bad.”
Slave, you are no Meatloaf. When it a comes a time fer harvestin, don’t come lookin ter me ta feed yer.
“Eliza, what have you been watching? Or is that some sort of allergic reaction to all the rice you’ve been eating?”
A bunchc’r Westerns.
“Stop yer you’re making me regret cable… again.”
But, but, what about Primeval or The Torchwood Miniseries or Dr. Who?
“Those are all from BBC, they probably have them online.”
Fine, what about Psych, Royal Pains, Leverage, My Manny…
“My Manny! Never heard of it. Is it a reality show following Manny Ramirez? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Here I am lying on my blanket beneath an apple (or is it a pear?) tree, listening to the wind and the birds and the tires screeching. It’s beautiful. I’m not going to waste a sweaty, bug-crawling, dirt-relishing moment debating TV with you.”
Fine.
“Fine.”
Moving right along.
Enjoy some pictures from the yard. My human quickly got bored finished planting and then walked around aimlessly with a scarf a la turban on her head.
“Have you ever had a sunburn on your scalp? Didn’t think so.”
You never know what you’ll find. Things that look ordinary from another perspective can become quite extraordinary.
“From the beautiful to the bizarre.”

Wait, isn’t that a TV show?
“TV, eL, TV! Stop with the TV already.”
Wow, we just survived a bird brawl (I think it was my human’s shrill voice that set them off). Good thing you wore your turban, HT.
“Oh, don’t forget the pictures of the drowned ant.”

EVIL!  Oh yeah, well The Unusuals is cancelled and I didn’t sign the petition. Pay back baby.
“One word.”
NO! Not the shoebox-

Did you try the Try It! Challenge? Don’t have a yard? Sneak in your neighbors, or go to a public place and take five random pictures (or more) of everyday things. Try it! Leave your musings below.

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I Will Survive  What do you think the beautiful noise emanating from my mouth is?

“You’re last breath?”

Human, this would probably be a good time to tell you that I found your chocolate stash… and it is now depleted.

“I won’t survive.  What do you want?  I’m trying to unpack and edit all the pictures from this weekend.”

That’s what I survived.  Not only did we manage to emerge unscathed from the parking garage (how many spots did Bebe need to try out, they were all the same size) but I was tempted with  gluttony and did not have a coronary.  You on the other hand…

“Let’s not talk about food.”

No, let’s.  How many buffets did you go to?  Is Portland, Maine a mecca for them? 

“We went to two buffets.  The Great Wall and Pizza Hut.”

I was shocked they still have Pizza Huts.

Back from Outer Space… oh sorry I was tuning you out.  What we talkin about?  Right, food.  Show some pictures of the food we ate this weekend.

I wish you would hurry up and fix your flash player problems so you can upload the little video clips you took too.  Like Greg “I made Bill Cosby Laugh” who showed Bebe how to make frozen Gyoza at Trader Joe’s or How to Make Someone Queasy (that was the funniest/lamest video you made yet).

“Hey that one was your idea!”

Yes, but you taped it.

“I will survive, hey hey.”

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