OPINIONATED ANT » Eliza Leigh

7 Ways to Kill a Mutant Ant- or Die Trying

Eliza Leigh and Humanoid Translator — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 13:00:00 +0000

Have a pesky mutant ant?
I may be a mutant ant but only my humanoid translator finds me pesky. Here are seven examples of her murderous intent, all of which failed miserably.

Squish it
My human tried to step on me but missed a step and tumbled down the stairs

Overdose on sugar
Ha ha, I ate her under the table.
Now she’s on insulin.

Flush down the toilet
The car keys that I took down with me caused a flood and my human slipped and hit her head while trying to fish them out.

Put bleach in drinking water
I switched our water

Grate it
She clumsily tried to make me a salad topping. The doctors were able to reattach her finger.

Build an ACME death trap
It didn’t work for Wile E. Coyote either.

Cook a healthy dinner
She ended up with E. Coli.

“Eliza Leigh, you’re exaggerating like usual. I only tried four of those.”

Let that be a lesson to all you ant killers and remember we out number you!

Photo credit: xardian of Flickr

Snapped: Hot Sauce, Smelly Royalty & Dead Ants

Eliza Leigh and Humanoid Translator — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:00:50 +0000

Once upon a time in a town called Mayberry my human stumbled across some hot sauce with her picture on the label.

“Eliza! There are so many things wrong with this post.”

Besides the fact that you have no Sir Fartalot?
no…No…NO! Not the shoebox!

“Let’s start over.”

“There once was an opinionated ant.
A shoe came down and she went splat.”

“THE END”

Eliza Leigh Portraits

Eliza Leigh and Humanoid Translator — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 04:00:33 +0000

: eL pic by chris eliopoulos

Finally, my Humanoid has uploaded some beautiful pieces of artwork. As in me, of course.

Many months ago, HT got her timing right (this is very rare) and started following Chris Eliopoulos (Cartoonist i.e. Misery Loves Sherman) on Twitter in time to get a drawing done. Since she was able to get anything drawn, naturally she chose me.

“Not that I had a choice, I really wanted to ask if he could draw a reflexology treatment.”

Boring and stop squinting.

“I can’t help it, it’s from all the ocular eye shots I’ve been taking lately. Anyone have any eye shots they’d like to share so my poor beady eyes can take a break?”

What happened to your last victim? I mean volunteer?

“They went blind.”

Ouch, I hope you have liability insurance. Back to my beautiful pictures, here is a sample of some from very gifted artists.

: eL pic by chris eliopoulos

anonymous (until we find out what he wants to be known as. eL drawings today the Louvre tomorrow)

“I especially like these…
It captures one of my favorite fantasies.”

EVIL!! Now I’m going to tell you the Primeval spoiler…

“More eL pictures coming as we type. Have you seen her about? Let us know or drop your clean link in the comments below.”

How come you always get to say the legal mumbo jumbo?

“Now who’s sulking?”

The Case of the Cookie Tormenter

Eliza Leigh and Humanoid Translator — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:00:08 +0000

Eliza stars in her first movie. It’s an one minute movie with a mystery at the end. Watch it, then finish the story below. It is voiceless (apart from the chirping birds), a bit noisy and captioned.

Let us know what you think, enjoy.

Looking for more One Minute Movies? Here are a few eL enjoys.

eL Needs a Sugar Fix

Eliza Leigh and Humanoid Translator — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 17:02:09 +0000

Human I hate to sound like I’m nagging you-
“but?”
I keep looking at your draft pile and it’s growing larger and larger.
“That’s good, isn’t it?”

In theory, but why haven’t you posted my thoughts on underwater tunnels, the future of sidewalks or even my monthly movie reviews?

“Who would want to read them?”
Who-who! Stop snickering. You are paid-
“-am I?!”
-your job is to translate, transcribe, BLOG my thoughts. So blog’em!

“Eliza Leigh?”
What?
“How are you enjoying your sugar detox?”
I think you should pass me those Reeses Pieces.
Please.

Madea Incarcerated!

Eliza Leigh and Humanoid Translator — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:00:41 +0000

Finally we get to see Madea on the silver screen again!
Are you going to the movies tonight? My l a m e o humanoid refuses to take me opening night…
“I can’t go tonight but I’m definitely going this weekend.”

What about me?
“You Eliza? It depends on your behavior. And if you promise not to wear that costume.”
Oh come on, I’m getting into character.
“Hmm, as Korben Dallas says,’I am not going.’”
Back to Madea. No Fifth Element deviations right now.
“Okay who wants to see Eliza Leigh’s mugshot?”

HUMAN! shoebox!
“I doubt you’d find one large enough for me. Let’s make a deal, we show your mugshot and I’ll take you to the movies.”
You won’t put me in with the Rasinets again will you?
“Fine.”
Deal… here’s my mugshot… but I think I’d do better without blond hair, what do you think?
“I think it’s time to buy tickets.”

On parting note, here’s a clip from Madea Goes to Jail (the play). We’ve mentioned it before, but can’t help hoping it will be in the movie in some form~

“I’m through, I’m through.”

Eliza Excerpts

Eliza Leigh and Humanoid Translator — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 02:00:24 +0000

A message from the author:
Enjoy snippets from Eliza Leigh’s Memoirs. They are in no particular order so check back often and read Eliza Excerpts

As told by Eliza Leigh~

When I was very young I dreamed of being a queen. My colony was quite large so we had more than one queen at a time. My mother was the oldest, at least 20 human years. She would tell me how one day I would be a queen like her.

Sadly, a Hurricane destroyed that dream. I was still in my formative years when the “great storm” (possibly Wilma) struck. Queens are determined by the nutrition they receive as baby ants, or larvae. This is the case in any ant colony and ours was no different. Fighting to survive the “great storm” that ripped our nest asunder caused my proper nutrition to naturally become a luxury. Once the storm abated, work began to repair our home and clean up the carnage left behind.

It was because of this that my mother and queen recognized that although I had entered the work force through necessity I was rather good at my job. Instead of me, one of my sisters (a breeder) would rule beside our mother and I would continue on to find my destiny.

Eliza Leigh Portraits