Posts tagged ‘Rambles’

“I found this whole post about it on CMcKane’s posterous.”

That is funny, who is this CMcKane and how did they know about our day?

Note from the author: Please don’t Eliza Leigh or her Humanoid Translator tell are not real. End of public service announcement.

Have a pesky mutant ant? 
I may be a mutant ant but only my humanoid translator finds me pesky.  Here are seven examples of her murderous intent, all of which failed miserably.

Pinocchio isn’t the only one with an enlarged nose.  I caught my human despondently examining her widening nostrils.  I found it quite amusing to watch her sigh “I’m getting old”.  I pointed out the circles under her eyes, the wrinkles on her face and-

“Enough, they get the point.  I’m old.”

Well, those were more noticeable.  When I told her I heard ears grew but doubted noses did she argued and repeated a story her grandmother told her. 

“You mean the German fairy tales?  The boy who wouldn’t stop sucking his thumb so his mum cut it off?”

EWW!

“Or the one where a boy wouldn’t eat his soup-“

 Enough,  Barbarian!  I mean the one where the lady who knew your grandmother when young saw her again years later and  said, “What happened to your nose?”

“Oh, that one, ha-ha.  Mine isn’t growing I think I just broke it.”

You have issues.

“Obsessing over noses is normal, at least compared to talking to mutant ants.”

True but it’s just more verification for your records.

“What records?”

Want to know what makes your nose grow?

They don’t!

Gravity wages an arduous battle on the human body and the nose rarely escapes unscathed.  Between faces sagging, noses drooping and wrinkles creating unique web-like designs, humans are natural morphers.

I still think exoskeleton is the way to go!

 

“If you’re still thinking about Little-Suck-a-Thumb’s fate here’s a link to Der Struwwelpeter the ten story collection by Heinrich Hoffmann to terrify teach children.  If you can get someone to read it to you in German it’s marvelous otherwise you can get it in English or read it online.”

Noses, human, we were talking about noses.  Focus…oy.

* Photo Credit: by La Tête Krançien on Flickr

1. When you begin drafting letters with basic html codes… you have a problem.
2. Don’t sit in your car in a parking spot when little old ladies are circling the the lot like hungry sharks.  Jaws eat your heart out.
3. Don’t eat rasinets off the floor.
4. Try not to carry on vocal one-sided conversations in public.
5. If you’re going to use alternative, eco-friendly or retro cleaning products- Avon bath oil does not count.

That’s five for today.  Remember, as a mutant I can do so much more than you sad, pitiful weaklings known as humans so listen to me.

“Eliza, you are hereby banned from watching Pinky and the Brain.”

One is a genius the other’s insane…

 Human, never ever leave on Whacked Out sports again.
”I thought you liked the VS Channel?”
Unless you’re on the show, I won’t watch.  It’s painful now, but that would be quite amusing.
“That is your life lesson?  So should I just delete the five you made me type out below?”

1. Read a book, watch a movie : Stretch your brain, or not.
2. Do not pretend to be Vin Disel, ever.
3. Don’t tell someone you’re dieting, unless you WANT them to monitor your caloric intake.
4. Try sleeping at least once a day.
5. Mix Linden tea into that little cranky toddler’s  sippie cup.

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For maximum immersion play this song while reading.

“Think of it as this posts theme song.”

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Try It!
Spend five minutes (or more) in your yard, deck or parking lot. Take pictures of things you find, whether they are every day items or buried treasure. Look below to see what eL & HT found. Enjoy. 

So out of five types of seeds my human was told to replant, she did three.
“Two out of three ain’t bad.”
Slave, you are no Meatloaf. When it a comes a time fer harvestin, don’t come lookin ter me ta feed yer.
“Eliza, what have you been watching? Or is that some sort of allergic reaction to all the rice you’ve been eating?”
A bunchc’r Westerns.
“Stop yer you’re making me regret cable… again.”
But, but, what about Primeval or The Torchwood Miniseries or Dr. Who?
“Those are all from BBC, they probably have them online.”
Fine, what about Psych, Royal Pains, Leverage, My Manny…
“My Manny! Never heard of it. Is it a reality show following Manny Ramirez? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Here I am lying on my blanket beneath an apple (or is it a pear?) tree, listening to the wind and the birds and the tires screeching. It’s beautiful. I’m not going to waste a sweaty, bug-crawling, dirt-relishing moment debating TV with you.”
Fine.
“Fine.”
Moving right along.
Enjoy some pictures from the yard. My human quickly got bored finished planting and then walked around aimlessly with a scarf a la turban on her head.
“Have you ever had a sunburn on your scalp? Didn’t think so.”
You never know what you’ll find. Things that look ordinary from another perspective can become quite extraordinary.
“From the beautiful to the bizarre.”

Wait, isn’t that a TV show?
“TV, eL, TV! Stop with the TV already.”
Wow, we just survived a bird brawl (I think it was my human’s shrill voice that set them off). Good thing you wore your turban, HT.
“Oh, don’t forget the pictures of the drowned ant.”

EVIL!  Oh yeah, well The Unusuals is cancelled and I didn’t sign the petition. Pay back baby.
“One word.”
NO! Not the shoebox-

Did you try the Try It! Challenge? Don’t have a yard? Sneak in your neighbors, or go to a public place and take five random pictures (or more) of everyday things. Try it! Leave your musings below.

1. If you always have to explain your favorite movie quotes to others- just don’t quote.
2. Put pillows at the base of all your stairs or a mini-trampoline.
3. Eat good food- whatever tastes good to you.
4. Try not to fall asleep in the tub- you are NOT on Invasion.
5. Channel your inner Yoda, whatever that means.

On our way back from Maine this past Monday naturally my human wished to do some shopping.

“Naturally, you bullied me.”

I like to consider it bargaining.  You feed me Starbucks delicacies while you went to the Self-Help section.  You should admit by now that I’m no hallucination.

“Well, I didn’t buy any self-help books.”

What about that diet book?

“It was a dollar.”

And?

“It was a dollar.”

Hmm, I see we are beyond self-help.

“I’m going to bed now.”

Oh wait human they’re playing your song ‘Paranoia paranoia

Everybody’s coming to get me…’